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everything is really starting to come together....ive started my new job, and im doing very well. i can't wait for my first paycheck. my birthday is coming up very very soon. however i have no idea where im gonna have my birthday. its gotta be at a place where we can party and not worry about getting fucked....and nobody has to worry about driving after drinking...you know shit along those lines. for some reason i have a feeling that my 18th bday is gonna suck....but hopefully im wrong. anyway....as soon as i get my first paycheck im blowing it on my tattoo that i will be getting on my bday. very excited about that. ummm, yeah....my friends are alright right now, i guess. oh i passed my last drug test, thats always a good thing. i didnt think i was gonna pass that one. so yeah everything has been good. now that ive posted this lj somethings gonna go wrong. fuuuck. hahaha.. i have to say i really miss smoking pot. buttttt im not smoking anymore until i get off probation.....when that day comes, im gonna be in the fuckin clouds alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll dayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. hahaha. okay i think thats it. late.
im pretty happy with how everything is going in my life... the only thing that has been bothering me is what to do about these 2 particular male species....but other than that im content...and everything has been going pretty good. what a change......
im getting a car this fuckin week. so damn happy about that.
court next tuesday the 16th.
fuck, im nervous.......
wish me good luck.
im fucking rad because i passed my drug test
and it had only been a week since i haven't smoked.
now that i passed it, im gonna get so high today!!!
and i am indeedly excited.
fuck yes!
peace out bitches < 3
 i dont know what is happening in my life anymore. i dont know what to think anymore. i dont know what to do anymore.
ive got so much shit on my mind all the time. i dont know why i keep fucking everything up. i have once again dissapointed my family. tomorow im suppose to go to a birthday party for my aunt at her house, the whole family will be there. but i dont think i will be going, only because i am scared of what my family is going to say to me. i already know there all gonna try to talk to me about it and frankly i just dont want to hear what they have to say about it. only because its going to make me feel worse and them feel worse. i dont know what is going on with me. all i ever wanna do know is escape from it all. i want nothing to do with myself or my life. i look at my friends and their lives with envy. i wish i was smarter and better and i wish i wasnt so stupid with some of the choices i have made in my life. im only 17 and i know i can easily change it all later in my future, but in the back of my head i think what if i cant....what if i keep fucking up over and over and over again, what if my life will always be like this. i want to escape from all of this....i want to be high
24-7....i never want to be sober for a single second. but i know it wont happen like that either. i hate being this way, i hate myself and i hate everything. i know this whole entry is the most emo thing ever, but i dont give a fuck because unfortantly this is how i really feel about everything. i wish i wasnt this way, and i wish that i didnt feel the way i feel. but i do, and i dont know how to change it. what the fuck. seriously what the fuck. i want drugs. i want to be high. i want all of this shit to end......i dont want this for myself. what the fuck am i suppose to do about everything, cause i have absolutley no fucking clue.
my new schedule-
monday: working 10am - 6pm
tuesday - thursday: working 10am - 5pm, ged classes 6pm - 9pm
friday: working 10am - 6pm
saturday: working 10am - 6pm
sunday: working 10am - 6pm
my first day at nature's way cafe starts tomorow.
im so happy i finally have a job.
tonight im going out to dinner with my family.
all of my family on my dad's side. im gonna get to see my uncle,
he's coming all the way from japan with his future wife.
im excited to see him. i have to sleep on the couch for
two nights though. but oh well, ill get over it.
im not going to make an
effort if your not going to
make an effort as well.
why the fuck should i try
so fucking hard and get
nothing in return? why?
id really like to know.
dont fucking blow
me off anymore either.
im sick of it.
but oh of course you will
give me your little excuses.
making it seem like im wrong
and your right....once again.
i understand that you have
other priorites in your life,
other friends, a boyfriend,
and so on. however i will
remind you that i have been
there for six fucking years,
going on seven. you tell
me that nothing has changed
everything is the same.
then why the fuck do i
never see you anymore?
dont feed me lines of
bull shit, BULL FUCKING SHIT.
but whatever if thats the way you
want it, then fine. im not
making the effort anymore.
and when you read this
do not call me to hang out
only for pitty!!!!!!!!
im done with getting blown off.
im fucking done trying.
fuck it and fuck you.
i told him...
i told him that i like him.
so now what?
i just hope that i didnt
fuck things up by doing so.
he hasnt told me how he feels yet.
i really want him to like me back.
now i just have to wait for him.
this sucks.
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